Friday, June 12, 2009

How I feel right now

(Kayla 2 weeks before diagnosis)

Yesterday Kayla finished her 4Th road map. She had Vincrytstine and Methotrexate.
So not too bad. I just have to push the fluids so that her little kidneys can filter the methotrexate properly.

Yesterday at the clinic I heard singing and realized that it was the nurses. They were singing some song to a girl that had just had her last chemo treatment. I looked around the infusion room and I noticed that the other parents were not smiling. It is really hard not feel envious and jealous. I want that to be my daughter and I could see the same feeling in the other parents faces.

It could be that I am so sad b/c it is that time of the month but all I want to do is cry...

I cry because my poor little baby wont be graduating with her kindergarten class

I cry because when I scratch her back I can feel every vertebrae

I cry because I want her to swim in the lake, pool or deep creek

I cry because I know that we still have a long way to go

I cry because I see other healthy children and instantly feel envious

I cry because she has to get spinal taps and bone marrow tests that make her sore for weeks

I cry because I don't want James to think that we love Kayla more b/c we are always taking her to the Dr. and leaving him with his aunt

I cry because Kayla cries to go into town, and she can't because we are too afraid that she will come in contact with germs

I cry because I have no control over my own life

I cry because I can't look at pictures of her before her hair fell out. It hurts too much

and I cry mostly because this is not what our life is supposed to be....

I sobbed when we left the clinic yesterday because I am so confused about her new road map. She is going back on steroids and getting a few new chemos that I know nothing about. (I am going to google them)
I am worried about the side effects of the new chemos.

Our car is a POS. Something is always leaking and it makes funny noises. There is no A/C and Jimmy will not let me take Kayla to chemo by myself b/c he is afraid that the car will break down and I will not know what to do.

Don't get me wrong, Kayla is doing good.
Jimmy is too.
James is turning 4 on Sunday.
I'm losing time with my kids b/c of cancer and I resent it for that.

1 comment:

My8kidsmom said...

Oh Sandra I wish I could give a big hug right now. I have been there and I remember those days all too well. I wish I could sit down and cry with you for as long as you want!