Friday, June 12, 2009
How I feel right now
(Kayla 2 weeks before diagnosis)
Yesterday Kayla finished her 4Th road map. She had Vincrytstine and Methotrexate.
So not too bad. I just have to push the fluids so that her little kidneys can filter the methotrexate properly.
Yesterday at the clinic I heard singing and realized that it was the nurses. They were singing some song to a girl that had just had her last chemo treatment. I looked around the infusion room and I noticed that the other parents were not smiling. It is really hard not feel envious and jealous. I want that to be my daughter and I could see the same feeling in the other parents faces.
It could be that I am so sad b/c it is that time of the month but all I want to do is cry...
I cry because my poor little baby wont be graduating with her kindergarten class
I cry because when I scratch her back I can feel every vertebrae
I cry because I want her to swim in the lake, pool or deep creek
I cry because I know that we still have a long way to go
I cry because I see other healthy children and instantly feel envious
I cry because she has to get spinal taps and bone marrow tests that make her sore for weeks
I cry because I don't want James to think that we love Kayla more b/c we are always taking her to the Dr. and leaving him with his aunt
I cry because Kayla cries to go into town, and she can't because we are too afraid that she will come in contact with germs
I cry because I have no control over my own life
I cry because I can't look at pictures of her before her hair fell out. It hurts too much
and I cry mostly because this is not what our life is supposed to be....
I sobbed when we left the clinic yesterday because I am so confused about her new road map. She is going back on steroids and getting a few new chemos that I know nothing about. (I am going to google them)
I am worried about the side effects of the new chemos.
Our car is a POS. Something is always leaking and it makes funny noises. There is no A/C and Jimmy will not let me take Kayla to chemo by myself b/c he is afraid that the car will break down and I will not know what to do.
Don't get me wrong, Kayla is doing good.
Jimmy is too.
James is turning 4 on Sunday.
I'm losing time with my kids b/c of cancer and I resent it for that.