Monday, August 31, 2009

I was going to bed


and I stopped when I walked by Kayla's bed and stared at her. She was moving a little bit, then she put her hands under her head and was still. A million things were going through my head as I looked at her. "Am I going to help her pick out a dress for her first dance? Is she ever going to have a crush? I hope her little heart never gets broken. Is there somebody out there that is going to love her the way that I do?" I want to wrap her up and keep her safe with me. I touched her chubby cheek and her little arm. I kissed her bald head and went to my bed.
My eyes would not close, even though it was really late. I kept thinking about all the things that a mother and daughter go through, and I realized that I want it. I want it all. I want to help her and guide her and be her best friend. I want to help her get ready for the dance. Pick out new clothes for school.
I didn't really let it in before. I would start to think about losing her but quickly shove it back into the depths of my mind. For some reason I let it come out last night and it made me appreciate her that much more. She has taught me how to love without fear, give myself completely to someone, and that I was put here for a reason. God chose me to be her mom and I am so grateful.
Please hug your babies, smell them, feel them and love them.

3 comments:

Lilith Silvermane said...

What a scary time for you, but also a wonderful time to look and realize how fragile it all is, and to remind all of us to hold onto what we have with a tight, but delicate hand.

Thank you for sharing Miss Kayla's story

Angela said...

Children are amazing little beings. Motherhood is the best reward on Earth. The love we have for our children is more than what a heart can hold and there are a million emotions that come with being a parent. I could not imagine my life without my kids. They are my reason for living and breathing. They are in my every thought, feeling, prayer, and have a hold on me like no other. Cherish them, love them and be thankful for every second you share. After all the are the greates gift in the world..

Amanda said...

I'm thinking of you Sandra. I know I am not going through what you are but I have had those thoughts and it is so scary. your in my prayers.